Do you find your anger bursts out in an uncontrollable way? Or do you keep it simmering inside so that it eats away at you?
I was recently sitting on a train after a few days of walking with friends. A man nearby was watching videos on his phone without headphones.
I found the tinny sound so irritating. I couldn’t believe what he was doing.
I leaned around the seat and said—probably a bit aggressively, “Excuse me, have you got any earphones?”
He looked at me with defiance and replied, “No, have you?” before carrying on.
I sat down again, fuming. My thoughts were spinning: "How could he be so selfish? He must be a really lonely man if that’s how he treats people. What an absolute wanker!"
Looking back, I realised I’d fallen into two classic traps when it comes to anger:
Suppression and Explosion
1. Suppression We might suppress anger for fear that expressing it will harm the relationship or make the situation worse. But suppression means that it's just boiling away uncomfortably inside of us. It can cause health problems—stress, even skin conditions like eczema (something I’ve experienced myself). It also means we bury what we really think, want, and care about.
2. Explosion The other extreme is letting anger burst out at people. That usually makes them defensive and less likely to give us what we’re asking for. Other people can find it threatening. It creates disconnections between us.
On the train, I did both and neither was helpful. Resentment built while I stayed silent, and the outburst made me feel even more frustrated.
I think it’s helpful to think of anger as a surface emotion with painful, tender feelings underneath—like shame or fear—connected to unmet needs, such as safety or care, that we’re trying to protect.
Meditation or talking it through with someone empathetic can help you connect to what’s really going on.
Anger Management with Compassion
A few days later, I took myself through a self-compassion practice with the following steps:
- Bring to mind a situation that made you feel irritated or angry.
- Notice what happens in your body—is there tension in your chest, belly, shoulders, or face? Are there other feelings, like fear, shame, or despair?
- Acknowledge the suffering. Say to yourself: “This is painful. This is difficult.”
- Remember common humanity: everyone experiences anger; everyone struggles. You’re not alone.
- Offer yourself compassion. Place a hand on your chest or belly and silently say phrases like:May I accept myself.May I be kind to myself.May I live with ease.
If you'd like to try this out, I've got a free recording of this meditation here. When I revisited the train situation during meditation, I noticed my belly and face tensing, then a kind of slumping—a sense of giving up or despair.
As I continued through the steps, the tension softened and my body straightened. By the end, I felt calm, relaxed, present, and strong.
I realised that underneath the anger were fear, despair, and powerlessness, and that my deeper needs were for respect, care, consideration, and relaxation.
Not only does meditation help soothe uncomfortable feelings, it also helps you meet for yourself the needs you were demanding the other person to meet.I was caring for myself and helping myself relax.
Taking Responsibility
One of the hardest aspects of anger is that it seems like someone else is the problem. They are being rude or disrespectful—so why should I have to change?
But you can spend your whole life feeling frustrated that other people don’t adapt to how you want them to be. That mindset will only cause you suffering.
Our own feelings and needs are our responsibility. You can request that someone else help meet your needs, but when you demand it, it usually backfires.
Once you’ve calmed yourself and reconnected to your needs, however, your communication becomes more effective. The other person is more likely to cooperate, but even if they don’t, you’ll feel better in yourself either way.
How this looks in relationships
I've worked with people who's marriage was on the brink of breakdown because of their anger and within weeks they were feeling calmer and communicating their needs far more skilfully. The cycle often goes: angry outburst -> regret -> apology, embarrassment, it won't happen again -> it happens again. The person who keeps getting angry feels out of control riddled with guilt. Their partner often feels threatened and that they can't trust them or feel safe. But it is possible to break the cycle.
Putting it into practice
If anger is costing you peace of mind, damaging relationships, or leaving you feeling out of control, let’s talk. Book a free 30-minute call and we’ll explore practical ways to bring more calm, compassion, and choice into those heated moments.
This article is part of a series on emotional fitness. The next one is Embracing Anxiety.